New dance - two steps forward and one step back

I trust everyone had a safe and restful Labor Day.

I find it hard to fathom that the summer is (technically) over.  With focus on my health challenges since the end of April, one half of the year has slipped by.  These months of coping and recovering have certainly broken my regular cycle of doing things. Previously, I had my daily and weekend routine down pat.  I'd get up for work, have coffee, do my exercises, iron, shave and shower and head to the highway. Now my being retired, I have yet to establish a new routine - although I've been trying.

Now that the chemo is (thankfully) done, I've been trying to get back into the swing of things.  The most difficult part has been regaining energy and maintaining my stamina.  Although the spirit is more than willing the flesh is still weak.  Some of the simplest tasks like doing laundry, grocery shopping and the mundane (but necessary) household chores (can) wipe me out. When I have a 'good day', I earnestly try to re-start my life.  I've had some productive exercise sessions, but the ensuing dizziness and overall weakness is frustrating.  My biggest scare happened last week when I was rearranging some furniture on  my three season porch to ready it for my least favorite season.  I was taking my time, but at one point (after standing up quickly), I almost passed out.  Not wanting to fall, I gracefully sat on the floor and eventually lay flat while it 'passed'.  After what seemed like too long, I was able to slowly get up and sit.  I sat for nearly an hour until my breathing settled. Clearly I did (and tried to do) too much.  That episode wiped me out for a day.  Very frustrating.

I'm aware that I haven't 'exerted' myself physically for nearly six months so it will take time to get back.  But what I haven't anticipated was my having to take things even slower. Whatever I decide to accomplish, I need to build in extra time and ensure that the task is 'manageable'.  It's disconcerting to 'want to' do something (taking steps forward), but having to retreat by taking a step back to recover.  In addition, I'm cognizant that my body has been through hell and it needs time to get back on track, but only having energy to play the guitar (standing) for a half hour, or trying to vocalize for just fifteen minutes is disheartening.  I do have to remind myself that it's only been a week from a theoretical chemo treatment and things take time.  But, I'm so far from being able to load my gear into the car and set up for a gig and put in six to eight hours.  This scares me.  Especially after having that episode on my sun porch.  I hate to entertain the thought that I may not be at that point to handle that for another year.

So the lesson learned is - you can push yourself but be prepared for push back.  I'm still learning my limits and try to push on those when I can.  When 'inside' you fell you can do what you used to, I'm rudely reminded that I'm not ready yet. Frustrating yes.  But this is the new reality.

Thanks for reading.  More to come.