We had a glimpse of Spring on Opening Day although I was not able to participate except enviously enjoying the sun and warmth through my windows. This was short lived and we are back in the cold wet rainy pattern. Can it be long before we are complaining about the heat and humidity?
This latest battle for health has been my toughest yet. I thought round 4 of chemo was bad, but that was a walk in the park compared to my last week in hell. Kicking off with extreme tiredness; no appetite; no sense of taste; constipation; general discomfort and malaise I gradually regained some sense of taste and was able to have some sustenance. An angel of mercy dropped off some protein drinks, Pro-biotic Yogurt and other easy to eat munchies. Initially all I wanted to (and could only) do was sleep. When I was tired of sleeping, I slept some more. I had zero energy. Each time I stood up I could see my vision dissolve to black, then recover. This was a side effect of my hypertension meds, but exacerbated by my lack of energy and body fuel (food). Oddly enough, there was only minor discomfort at the surgical sites, but my back and flank could find no happy spot that would relive the pain. I was fearful to take OxyContin because of those side effects (constipation) so Tylenol was substituted and it seemed to help - somewhat. I did resort to MiraLax and after day four I had my first (very small) movement. I've had subsequent voids, but each produced low output. Granted I wasn't eating much.
As the days progressed, my improvements failed to be realized. However my appetite was improving and I expanded my diet to oatmeal, roll-up sandwiches, cheese snacks (I know it's binding.) By the weekend I had cravings for foods and gravitated toward those, whether they were healthy choices or not. I had already lost seven pounds so eating a candy bar was probably OK. By the weekend I was craving pizza. Another not so health choice, but it was hot and gooey and I was craving it. I really did nothing other than sleep, munch, watch some TV and surf the net.
I've been really concerned with the new meds prescribed. My biggest concern was Atorvastatin. It's generally given to treat high cholesterol, but fortunately for me my 'numbers' have been traditionally desirable without medication, so having to take this drug equates to a slap in the face. I did discuss this with my doctor and agreed to 'try it for awhile'. The paperwork I received from the pharmacy did say that it prevents heart attacks and strokes. But there must be other drugs that do this without the side effects.
Side effects are different for each person, but for me they are as follows:
- Burping/gas - This is the only drug I take at 9PM. I'm not sure if I'm in a horizontal position while it 'does its thing', but I feel discomfort from gas. There's quite a bit of flatus while in bed or when standing from bed. Although most has been gas, I have experienced burping to some extent.
- Sniffles/runny nose - A nuisance side effect. Thank heavens for pocket Kleenex packets
- Unusual tiredness - This is a tough one to call, but as time goes on and I get more and more sustenance, one would think I'd have more energy. For the most part this is true, but I'm still sleeping 12-15 hours a day (Including a two hour nap).
- Boring pain in the back and flank - this is the most worrisome side effect. I'm prevented from finding comfort when sitting and can stand no longer than 15 minutes before having to sit and rest. Prior to the procedure I had these pains, but to a much lesser degree. Tylenol helps somewhat, but I hate throwing medicine at a pain caused by medicine. This discomfort has cased my entire spine to feel 'stiff' and achy. I'm hopeful that some other type of med can be used since this is the most debilitating.
- Headache - A nuisance side effect. Sometimes dissipates when I take Tylenol.
- Constipation - I just can't seem to escape this one.
Other than those listed above, my next biggest challenge was state of mind. Having gone through many health battles, keeping positive and finding inner strength has been nearly impossible.
I’m
not certain how or why, but something happened as a result of my
procedure last month. I’m not the same person. Or maybe, I’ve come to
realize the person who I have become since my numerous health issues.
One could argue that I’m still in recovery and these thoughts and
feelings may pass or resolve somehow, but I don’t think they can. This has brought me to a great pause and self assessment. I tried to turn these dark feelings into lyrics and was frightened by what came out of me. I've found that I've come to the door of deep depression and had turned the handle. I did not pass. This is probably because I've had so much support from family and friends. I will get through this, but I will be different on the other side. After much deep deliberation, I have decided to retire from the performance aspect of music.** I resigned my position in Fitch's Brew and will assist in a transition. Not knowing what I still can do musically since the worsening of my neuropathy, I'm trending to downsizing and having fewer long term commitments.
More to come.
[Post Script: **Clarification - I had many find my statements rash and alarming. Some personally reached out to me. After my explaining the background and reasoning, each had a better idea as to what I meant and were supportive.
Simply put, I will no longer pursue any musical activity that would require a significant physical commitment. I can no longer fulfill the roadie/musician role. I'm no longer 25 and the personal physical toll of a load in, set up, performance, breakdown and load out are no longer viable. I can/will pursue situations where there is a minimal amount of physical exertion. I apologize for needlessly alarming my family friends and readers.]
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